[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
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Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.