I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
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[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
i choose….tongue
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
North and South
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
“What movie?” 🤔
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
this chia pet tastes awful