@Home_Halfway: I told my friend he's a bad thief. He's not taking it well.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid's Halloween candy; that's how you prevent cavities.
@Sarcasticsapien: Cinderella is my favorite story about women who fight over a man who doesn't even remember what a woman he spent the night with looks like.
@TheSnideOne: What I say: "Does anyone need anything from the store?" What I mean: "I'm off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you."