@Home_Halfway: I told my friend he's a bad thief. He's not taking it well.
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@KeetPotato: wife: "no one will remember dont worry" me: "ok" [2 mins into my high school reunion] guy: "yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?"
@bfrosty04: Vicodin and Scotch. When you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor's swing-set.
@jergarl: My 8yo blows up a balloon 37 times, then asks me to try and all I hear is "DADDY PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THIS RUBBER SACK OF MOIST WARM AIR"