@Home_Halfway: I told my friend he's a bad thief. He's not taking it well.
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@vladchoc: Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee's Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I hate when people think my real name is Jennifer, because it's not, it's Jennitalia.
@POTerritory: Cop: What is your line of business? Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff. Cop: Louder for the microphone. Me: Trees 'n' stuff. Gardening.
@TheCatWhisprer: ME: bartender. another. BARTENDER: but you just- ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER [bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]