I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
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kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Why is this me 😫
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.