@AntiJokeTyrone: I told my grandmother to act her age.... then she died.
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@DaddyJew: Oh, your kid gets straight A's at school? That's cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
@neptunemoons: "Mom! Mom! Hold this cockroach while I grab the lizard!" --Things I honestly never imagined I'd hear as a parent
@HallpassCanada: You know you're getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
@buhsbaby_baby: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because you saw me eating that cupcake with no hands and you want my autograph?