I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
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hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold