Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
You Might Also Like
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
When someone says you are so lazy
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity