I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
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I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Me too
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.