For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
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[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.