I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
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Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
🤣🤣🤣
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
#ProTip
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.