I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
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16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I’m crying im so happy for them
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
oh my gosh!!
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!