@Jandalize: I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they're 21.
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@JaymayAllDay: I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I'm not sure, I can't make out faces so well.
@jimmytorosian: Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious? Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
@autocorrects: You're 15 and miss the 90's? Yeah, I'm sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
@handsock_butts: SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like- ME: I'D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS SE: -on your sub? ME: PUPPERONI