I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
You Might Also Like
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.