I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
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If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
The prophecy is fulfilled
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus