I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
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whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail