I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
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boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Jurassic park gets weird
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
me doing my best
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way