I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
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INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Life with a cat in one tweet
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.