I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
You Might Also Like
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me