I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
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As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
meanwhile over on facebook
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Employees must applaud the planets.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
i can’t wait that long