I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
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*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Fluff me with a fork baby
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.