As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
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Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
She puts the hot in psychotic
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad