Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
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THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street