I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
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[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
From my Mom
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.