@ChickenMclovin: I told my sandwich to "go make me a girlfriend"
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@LackOfShame: While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs. They grow up so fast.
@Super_Cynthia: 911: What's your emergency? [sounds of struggling and growling] 911: Hello?! Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
@jimmytorosian: Wife: I told you to baby proof the house! Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
@Underchilde: My girlfriend told me to “tread lightly.” So when I ran over her, I drove really slow.