@ChickenMclovin: I told my sandwich to "go make me a girlfriend"
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@mjkspeaks: [girlfriend finally texts back] ME: i’m so mad at you. HER: i’m naked come over. ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
@PresidentGrimes: I promise to find a new girlfriend right away when my old girlfriend gets eaten by walkers. America needs a first lady.
@TheLesbianTwin: a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
@MarkAgee: I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.