I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
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Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
bought wrong eggs
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.