I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
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Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities