I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
You Might Also Like
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
A woman drives into a bar.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows