I told my vodka about you.
You Might Also Like
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD