I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
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I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Something Saturday.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.