I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
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*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?