I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
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A game married people play.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.