I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
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I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
*weighs self after shaving
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”