@kevinrowe1: I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
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@maebemarbles: Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
@DaddyJew: [on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll] Are you sure you're ok?
@UncleDuke1969: *draws a line in the sand* *looks at the line in the sand* *decides that it might be time to vacuum*
@sumpeoplelikeit: If you have a tattoo on your head, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at.