I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
You Might Also Like
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
getting old is fun
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing