I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
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Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I put the h in mysterious.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another