@Brianhopecomedy: I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we're discussing why I'm such a idiot.
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@shutupmikeginn: "Are you left handed?" - people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
@Darlainky: Instead of asking "Are you still watching?" Netflix just said "Hey, pace yourself, we're almost out of shows."
@Fred_Delicious: Doctor - "you've been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?" Me - "no?" Doctor - "and I'm afraid you never will. You're dying"