@Brianhopecomedy: I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
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@notalogin: Girl are you a prescription from my doctor 'cause you might be good for me but I can't read you at all.
@jergarl: I hate when I put my open beer down and forget where I put it and then I find like 7 open beers.
@senorwinces: Take a look at trending topics and you'll realize why they have to write "do not eat" on dry silica packets.
@JaneBadall: When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.