@Brianhopecomedy: I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
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@TheGoodGodAbove: Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar. You can stop sacrificing goats now.
@DadandBuried: I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn't happen to be screaming there's always another around to pick up the slack.
@flashember: [Cop arresting a centipede] *clink* *clink* *clink* *clink* *clink* *opens crate of new handcuffs* *clink* *clink* *clin
@mikefossey: I'm a janitor at MIT and i see some extremely hard ass equation on the chalk board. i quickly erase it because im not being paid to do math