I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
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A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do