@Brianhopecomedy: I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
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@Rollmaninoz: *KFC* Me: how tender is the chicken? Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
@KeetPotato: cop: "you kinda look like one that's all" me: "in no way am i a pirate" cop: "hmm, are you sure?" parrot on my shoulder: "did he stutter?"
@KissabiX: [during sex] Me: yeah, you like that? Him: mmhmm yeah Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that blue?