@Brianhopecomedy: I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
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@joci2203: Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today? Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
@Dschnoeb: A woman on the subway this morning said "did you know the government is closed? Is it a holiday or something?" So really, we deserve this.
@__iCE_CREAM__: Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it's like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don't like it