@Brianhopecomedy: I told my wife that size shouldn't matter so she went out shopping and bought my "boys room" a new 4 inch TV.
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@toomanytoes: Judge: You need supervision. Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
@RobElliottComic: Uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh uh huh uh uh huh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh huh Me, Rap battling
@jake_lach: Dog ate raw chicken so I called the vet to see what I could do He asked what I think they eat in the wild. Basically, he called me an idiot
@WilliamRodgers: So I'm Calling random stores & saying "Hey It's Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!".... There's got to be a Michael at one of these places...