All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
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no one ever comes back
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!