I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
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If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
*checks Timeline*…
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”