I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
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Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.