I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
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willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”