{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
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The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.