I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
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WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Have a lovely day 😊
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I triple waxed for this?
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!