I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
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Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
how long have you had this for?