I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
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My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Saturday
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning