@KenJennings: I told the kids if they're not good we're flying United this summer.
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@_Kim_Jongun: For the last time, I don't have any secret prison camps. Anyone who doesn't believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
@iwearaonesie: *comes home from work *wife jumps in my arms *sees I'm crying wife: Why are you crying? me: You just crushed all the Oreo's in my fanny pack
@Dutch_50: My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle - "Take one multivitamin daily." Hmmm