I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
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IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Love how Google seems to know everything I鈥檓 doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I鈥檓 not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
[man who won the lottery]: here鈥檚 why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 馃憞馃У
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
me: i鈥檒l just soak this dish so it鈥檚 easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it鈥檒l be in a month
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Me: I鈥檇 like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I鈥檝e been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
He鈥檚 the one. I know it. Don鈥檛 you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you鈥檝e had enough to drink
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college