I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
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*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.