I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
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it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
“I took care of your clown problem.”
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.