@huntigula: I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
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@orange_rhymer: [robbing bank] leader: go in & grab everything you can *i go in to grab loot* Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
@venomjunkie2: I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
@MUMSIEesq: Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
@2questionable: Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you're both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won't go to sleep.