I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
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I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”