I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
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Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”