I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
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[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.