I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
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I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
ACED my prostate exam!
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles