I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
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Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.