what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
You Might Also Like
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me