To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
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[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Happy Taco Tuesday
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
CUTE CAT‼︎
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher